Its been an interesting week relationship wise. Various friends and I have been discussing the ups and downs of their relationships. In some cases people are extremely happy, content or down right jubilant at their choice of mate. In other cases there are the ladies who are scratching their heads as to how it happened and in fact why they are still there. Last but not least there are those swinging from the swings of limbo, swaying forward, swaying back… wanting to know when is it time to hop off and go home either hand in hand or solo.. However during these discussions it’s my workmate who came up with today’s blog post and unwittingly tied together the theme of the week so far.
She said: “You know I’m at an age where I have been married and divorced and I’m now planning my second engagement, second wedding and second marriage. My parents asked me what’s different this time? I said my choice of man is different and I am different. Your friends supposedly reflect who you are, that’s b.s because if you really look at friends they represent ASPECTS of your personality and character. There are party friends, confidantes, work friends , gym buddies, family friends, high school friends. All provide some sort of support for whatever area it is you like. The one who really reflects who YOU are and is a tell tale sign of where you are in your life? Your partner. Your significant other. Your loved one. The guy you sleep with. The guy you are dating. Or the man that you see potential in. Do you want to get married to him or do you just want a good time with him? Does he want children or are is he happy without? The answers to those questions change your life more than, should I have this person as my friend or not? It shows your mind set & position in life. Are you trying to be a wife? A mother ? A girlfriend? Or are you just cruising till it makes sense?.”
AND that little speech is the reason why I love knowing people who have made mistakes and are not to talk about them. Their lessons always provide some light on where you might be headed. I made her write it down word for word in my journal because whether or not it is applicable to me at this moment or anyone else, it might apply one day, it could apply right now but at least you were made aware.
It also got me thinking about a number of things. First of all some celebrity references…
Sandra Bullock and Jesse James- When he cheated a lot of people voiced the opinion that “America’s sweetheart” had to have a little wild side in her to be attracted to Jesse OR maybe there is something we didn’t see in him that she only saw that was similar to the qualities we think Sandra possesses.
Katt Williams said it best- I’m not quoting him word for word but I will “translate” the original quote. Katt wanted to point out to the ladies that insisted on complaining about men who were not worthy always breaking their hearts to consider that maybe their anatomy was not worthy either. Thus creating a situation where the ladies were attracting what they already had.
My girl Shona Vixen had this to say on the topic:
“Yes I think so, in that if you check who you dated when you were 21 and whom you are attracted to and would date now, they reflect your maturity. Bad boy’s are hot when you are 21, when you get to 30 bad boys are immature and kids. In your eyes you might want a bad boy edge but it stops there. Even your tolerance level for bullshit is reflected by your choice. “
On the “other side” my girl Ronda said:
“Nope. You date who you are attracted to and you can’t help that. Besides there are things in that person that are good that others might not see, that make him a good person”.
I think with this post I’m asking two questions……
1. Is your current mate a reflection of who you are?
and
2. Is your decision to choose her/him based on where you are in life?
Personally if who I am currently attracted to is a reflection of who I am and where I am or where I want to be in life, I am content. I’m finally making good decisions and I feel all the more grown up for it. I feel like I have outgrown more than bad decisions and memories but I have outgrown a mindset I was sure was going to drag me down.
Ultimately whoever you are with you have to know why you are there and how you got there, as long as you know (To thine own self be true) there can be no surprises.
What about you guys? What are your thoughts?
Need I add more since I’ve been quoted??..lol…
To answer your questions Kooks: yes and yes!They reflect my maturity, what I want from life, where I’m headed and what I want from a partner and myself : not to say this person is a clone of me – totally the opposite we are different but yes they provide the stability/support/growth I deserve at this point in my life : am I making sense?I sure hope so if not lets blame it on these damn Skittles I’ve been munching on all morning..lol!
You know we are in agreement on this one. Preaching to the choir here!
I don’t think who you are attracted to you or date reflect who you are per se. I think these people reflect your preference of character and your state of maturity….but that’s it, otherwise, how else do you explain the whole “opposites attract” phenomenon.
To quote a little Jigga *ahem*:
“No matter where you go, you are what you are player
And you can try to change but that’s just the top layer.”
Someone did actually tell me about the opposites attract theory and that’s another side to look at.
From friends, family and lovers the people around me reflect who I am and where I am because the way my personality is/ character is, is that I continually challenge myself to grow and how I gauge this growth? It shoudl be reflective within me but also everything and everyone around me. So someone like me I can safely say that my dating choices are reflective of my growth or lack of it over the years.
Others though have been constant in their choice of mate regardless of environment or level of maturity, thus their dating life is not reflective of their current state of mind, level of maturity or personality. (I envy those people lol).
I have always wondered at that Jigga line, at what point is “who you are” cemented? At 5? At 15? At 18 or even 21?
To a large extent, partners are a reflection of “the real you” or the you “you intend to become”
However, The decision to choose such a person is future based (my opinion), in the sense that all the things you think you need for the now and later should be part of the parcel. Hopefully there would be no change of heart
I love the bit about “the you, you intend to become” because I believe that in relationships you should strive to makeeach other better and dating someone who you see posseses a particular goodness or a way of thinking you want to possess is definitely a good start to bring ing that about!
“ man is born free, but one of the first things he learns is to do as he is told, and spends the rest of his life doing that. Thus his first enslavement is to his parents. He follows their instruction forever more retaining only in some cases the right to choose his own methods and comforting himself with an illusion of autonomy.
People suffer under the illusion of autonomy if they think they have changed their script, but in reality have changed only the setting, characters, costumes etc. Not the essence of the drama. For example, a person who is parent programmed to be an evangelist may join the drug scene and then with religious zeal evangelise others into following. Choosing the setting for evangelist may give the person the illusion of freedom when actually the enslavement to parental instructions has only been disguised.
Similarly a woman with a script like beauty and the beast may believe she is freeing herself from a life of misery by divorcing a beast and remarrying when actually she may be only trading in , one kind of beast for another.
Another fairy tale character is Cinderella, a victim who holds a menial job and is surrounded by demanding people. Her first rescuer is a fairy Godmother who bestows upon Cinderella a gorgeous gown, glass slippers and fancy transportation to go to the ball. When she goes, Cinderella attracts another rescuer….the prince acts more like a frog. “
Super,
Mentally I can’t be arsed to think about how that extract is relevant to my post nor can I bring myself to actually read through this (yes Im being lazy). Thanks for posting it though, maybe one of my readers can give me the “Interpretation of Super’s high brow comments for Dummies” and I’ll work my way through the sentences at some point.
As i am currently unpartnered i shall not e able to answer your questions.
However i’ll just say that i’ve always judged people by the partners they choose. So yes i do believe that your partner is a refection of you at that point in time.
Can i just say that sometimes i show up in the comment section just to see what Super has managed to pull out of his *i don’t know where* I mean i read the comment and i have no idea what he was on about.
Admittedly the average mind is easily swayed by popular culture and trades “hip pop” hooks for wisdom. These 3 minute “hooks” breed laziness and make it difficult for this generation to open books and read. Alas, I must explain the nibbles of wisdom contained in the above quote.
The above is from a book by Muriel James called Born to win- a psycho-analysis book written by psychologists on how our lives as adults are predicated on our past lives as children. Thus “how children unconsciously choose a common myth or story as the model for their future, then forget it, leaving the adult taking action based on a plan for life of which he/she is not consciously aware”
You asked “Is your mate a reflection of who you are? My quote answers YES . But rather not who you are per se but some enslavement script written in your psyche, when you were a kid. Your mate reveals more about your unconscious state. It tries to answer why you are attracted to somebody.
You then gave an example of your mate who is in a second marriage. She argues her choice is different because she is different. Somewhat, agreeing with Shona who argues the change in choice is a reflection of maturity. My quote, from an esteemed psychologist debunks the above assertions. The quote uses a favourite childhood script- beauty and the beast as an analogy. She may think she is different, but what has only changed is the nature of the beast. But, a beast nonetheless.
For Shona the attraction for a bad boy in teenage years is centred on power, centres of influence and being rebellious. It is no different to a mature Shona now attracted to men exceedingly older than her, yielding and with a penchant for political power and seemingly stable. Thus the beast has changed, but the script has not!
Vimbai argues opposites attract. Again depends on the childhood script, and in this case Cinderella. Since only in a fairy tale does someone like Cinderella marry a Prince- people from two opposite worlds (perhaps ideology). Typically a Cinderella is someone stuck in a hole of some sort e.g unappreciated at home and at the office, does not complain and remains hardworking and faithful to friends. Her script endears her to wait for a Prince. And indeed the Prince arrives for he can pick up her yearns (Bathsheba’s Troy in far from the maddening crowd). Unfortunately the prince is usually a frog………..
“Personally if who I am currently attracted to is a reflection of who I am and where I am or where I want to be in life, I am content. I’m finally making good decisions and I feel all the more grown up for it. I feel like I have outgrown more than bad decisions and memories but I have outgrown a mindset I was sure was going to drag me down”. I love this quote her and I love this message. Today I was able to read it and fully internalise it. Dang! I am proud of myself and my growth. I thank God I am no longer attracted to that guy who was hooked on MJ and used to have bike accidents he couldn’t report cause he was high. I am so glad I am not into him because even though he did all the krezzies, i was vicariously living this life..being thrilled by it. Mind you, it was never all him…it was both of us but that’s his story to tell. Now as Angelina Jolie said it ‘my bad bits are now reserved for him. Balance is way more attractive as I grow older. Balance of dreams, thoughts, ideas, behaviors, environment, drama, excitement, passion (well not very balanced here, thank goodness)….balance. No more scoring 10 on the drama-richter scales. Balance.
so as not to be confused for those people who write pointless responses that noone actually reads (not because of their complexy but for their lack of relevance). Anyway….to answer the question YES YES YES! my partner is not completely the opposite of me except we have very different backgrounds but amazingly, a similar perspective on, at least the important things (tv shows and clothes not included here).
ooops complexity