Is your mate a reflection of who you are?

 

Its been an interesting week relationship wise. Various friends and I have been discussing the ups and downs of their relationships. In some cases people are extremely happy, content or down right jubilant at their choice of mate. In other cases there are the ladies who are scratching their heads as to how it happened and in fact why they are still there. Last but not least there are those swinging from the swings of limbo, swaying forward, swaying back… wanting to know when is it time to hop off and go home either hand in hand or solo.. However during these discussions it’s my workmate who came up with today’s blog post and unwittingly tied together the theme of the week so far.

She said: “You know I’m at an age where I have been married and divorced and I’m now planning my second engagement, second wedding and second marriage. My parents asked me what’s different this time? I said my choice of man is different and I am different. Your friends supposedly reflect who you are, that’s b.s because if you really look at friends they represent ASPECTS of your personality and character. There are  party friends, confidantes, work friends , gym buddies, family friends, high school friends. All provide some sort of support for whatever area it is you like. The one who really reflects who YOU are and is a tell tale sign of where you are in your life? Your partner. Your significant other. Your loved one. The guy you sleep with. The guy you are dating. Or the man that you see potential in. Do you want to get married to him or do you just want a good time with him? Does he want children or are is he happy without? The answers to those questions change your life more than, should I have this person as my friend or not? It shows your mind set & position in life. Are you trying to be a wife? A mother ? A girlfriend? Or are you just cruising till it makes sense?.”

AND that little speech is the reason why I love knowing people who have made mistakes and are not to talk about them. Their lessons always provide some light on where you might be headed. I made her write it down word for word in my journal because whether or not it is applicable to me at this moment or anyone else,  it might apply one day, it could apply right now but at least you were made aware.

It also got me thinking about a number of things. First of all some celebrity references…

Sandra Bullock and Jesse James- When he cheated a lot of people voiced the opinion that “America’s sweetheart” had to have a little wild side in her to be attracted to Jesse OR maybe there is something we didn’t see in him that she only saw that was similar to the qualities we think Sandra possesses.

Katt Williams said it best- I’m not quoting him word for word but I will “translate” the original quote. Katt wanted to point out to the ladies that insisted on complaining about men who were not worthy always breaking their hearts to consider that maybe their anatomy was not worthy either. Thus creating a situation where the ladies were attracting what they already had.

My girl Shona Vixen had this to say on the topic:

“Yes I think so, in that if you check who you dated when you were 21 and whom you are attracted to and would date now, they reflect your maturity. Bad boy’s are hot when you are 21, when you get to 30 bad boys are immature and kids. In your eyes you might want a bad boy edge but it stops there. Even your tolerance level for bullshit is reflected by your choice. “

On the “other side” my girl Ronda said:

“Nope. You date who you are attracted to and you can’t help that. Besides there are things in that person that are good that others might not see, that make him a good person”.

I think with this post I’m asking two questions……

1. Is your current mate a reflection of who you are?

and

2. Is your decision to choose her/him based on where you are in life?

Personally if who I am currently attracted to is a reflection of who I am and where I am or where I want to be in life, I am content. I’m finally making good decisions and I feel all the more grown up for it. I feel like I have outgrown more than bad decisions and memories but I have outgrown a mindset I was sure was going to drag me down.

Ultimately whoever you are with you have to know why you are there and how you got there, as long as you know (To thine own self be true) there can be no surprises.

What about you guys? What are your thoughts?

 

Soooo….

So I’m sitting in a law library reading up on…law stuff because in case you didn’t know that’s what I was trained to do so many moons ago in good ol univerisity. Anyway it hit me that I hadn’t blogged in awhile. Ok I lie, it didn’t just hit me. I attempted to write in my journal but my venting on white pages seemed less rewarding. Then I remembered my blog. Much neglected blog but mine nonetheless. To be honest I don’t have time to blog but in a devil may care, f*ck it kind of way I am throwing caution and my work productivity to the wind and blogging about my feelings.

I really have only myself to blame. I could have side eyed every single last person who has irked me this week  and kept it moving with a two finger salute as my parting gift. However being female and being me I fell into the “thinking mode”. Every man will tell you that when a woman is in “thinking mode”  this can not bode well for him and any ties he has to that female. My father and my brother are very aware of this fact and tend to be scarce when I’m in my “thinking mode”. Females in “thinking mode” dedicate their time to re-assessing everything in their life. From friends to family to work, nobody and nothing is immune. This is when boyfriends are dumped, affairs are started, annoying family member and friends are called out, haircuts and new hair colour decisions are made and retail therapy happens.

It’s not that I’m particularly bitchy during my “thinking mode”,  it’s just that everything you say I will take and look at it from every angle to construe “what you really mean” because of course  “How are you?” on a “Thinking mode” day can not just be a simple question enquiring after your general well being. Oh no. My brain at this point is far too advanced for such trickery and shenanigans . I will listen for the tone, syntax and anything else that may be helpful. Did you ask it with some bass? I.e in a confrontational/aggressive  manner?  Or did you ask in a way that clearly infers that you are probing about a matter you already have heard mention of on the grapevine somewhere?

You could call this craziness, maybe a little paranoia *shrug*. I call this professional overflow. In the legal arena overthinking is what allows you to see past what someone  is telling you happened as opposed to what really happened. You look at non verbal communication and take into consideration every possibility your mind comes up. Then adding all the facts presented to you, surmise whether there in front of you stands a bullsh*t artist or a truth teller.  In the legal arena, my overthinking is what my employers or clients would call my “thorough analytical skills”. It is these very skills that when applied to a general overview of my life I noticed that something was up. Something seems very out of place. It’s like walking into a messy room and noticing the clear spot of carpet in the corner of the room and trying to figure out why that spot isn’t covered. What was there before? Did someone remove something?Was someone there before you? All you know is that strange things are afoot.

I don’t know from whence this feeling came but believe you me , I do know that for whatever reason I feel very uneasy right now. Overthinking be damned. Beanie Sigel and I can feel something in the air.

“My Spider senses is tinglin
Feel somethin, got my radars up
Somethin goin on, I feel funny cant tell me nothin different
my nose twitchin, intuition settin in like Steve-Vision
I still close my eyes, I still see visions
still hear that voice in the back of my mind
so what I do? I still take heed, I still listen”

I can’t put my finger on it just yet but I know there is something I’m missing. Like maybe I forgot to switch off the stove at home or left a tap running somewhere. Maybe I emailed something to someone that wasn’t meant to receive that piece of correspondence. Or something is happening or something is being planned in my absence that directly affects me. Or there is a traitor in the ranks. Either way I can feel it and I don’t want to be letting Trojan horses into my land of Troy (that sounds like a sexual innuendo but it isn’t) :-/.

I hear this voice in the back of my mind like Mack tighten up your circle
before they hurt you, read they body language
85% communication non-verbal, 85% swear they know you
10% you know they square, and the other 5 times they show you

Have you ever had that feeling? Where you know it’s not paranoia or overthinking but SOMETHING is up?  Whatever it is or  whoever it is, its messing up my soul feng shui and from past experience I have learned to NEVER ignore your intuition. Someone light a candle or open the door…I need a little light in here.

In other news:

• a group of students allegedly (because I don’t want to be sued) from Abia State University in Nigeria filmed themselves raping a girl  for over an hour and the people who seem to be doubting the story the most are the females? What type of self -hating females are these chicks? No really? Stupid comments like “It can’t be rape because she wasn’t screaming”. Have several seats.
• Troy Davis. I have never been an advocate for the death penalty. I prefer to see people who have committed wrongs to rot in jail and think about their wrong doings. Also in Davis’ case just in case the evidence is underwhelming and he could be innocent, it’s easier to release him and apologise  than to say “ooops we killed an innocent man”. You can’t bring a life back by taking another life, nor can you ask for a do over if you get the wrong guy.
• My country  (Zambia) is in the midst of election limbo. Can elections just go smoothly and a winner announced without foolery?

Falling in Love….

Every now and again I go on one of my rant’s and you all humour me (well I think you do) and it passes. It might be stuff that is linked to my life or other people’s lives but trust and believe it has been seen and must be spoken on. So without further delay’s…this LOVE business or to be specific, falling in love.

Love has been on my mind for the last two weeks because I have seen different variations of it or maybe I should say people’s interpretations of it played out in their relationships and to say I am confused is such an understatement that I can’t think of a comparison to adequately relay how confused I am. This confusion is a long time coming, it’s not like up until this time I haven’t been bamboozled by love’s rocky terrain, its just that I’ve been busy not thinking about it.

In the past two weeks I have seen the following interpretations or misinterpretations of love being played out:

I’ve seen the selfish/selfless love where one person gives everything and the other person takes all that is being given. Yet the “taker” does not stop there, with a cocky smile they still have the audacity to ask if they can scrape the mixing bowl and lick the spoon for the rest. It’s that love where you see the ride or die stands by their person regardless of the amount of buffoonery the other person will act out. Through it all the selfless person will either fast, pray, conjure up wicken spells etc just so that this relationship will continue to live when its clearly on life support.

I’ve seen the fairytale/unicorn love- Nothing seems wrong, everything is so perfect that Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel and them are trying to re-write their own stories because they pale in comparision. Whether or not this is the case, I do not know but from the outside looking in things look white picket fence perfect.

I’ve seen the dysfunctional love where love doesn’t even live there anymore and even Ike and Tina and Bobby and Whitney are holding vigils for people to see the light. In fact the house that love built has eviction notices telling the couple to get out before they burn with what’s left over of their broken down “straight for demolition” house. I feel like going up to this couple and saying, “Look you dont have to be alone but you have to get out of this two-some”

I’ve seen new love blossom. Its cute, promises made, kisses exchanged, plans set in motion and labels put out there. Boyfriend and girlfriend doing boyfriend and girlfriend things in and amongst their family, friend, work circles. Its adorable and it looks like the right time for the couple in question. I can even see the church bells.

Now Im not going to go through all the types of love because I don’t have the time but it got me thinking about how falling in love is the sneakiest experience EVER. Before you get into any type of  relationship you don’t see it coming. It comes from nowhere. One day you just like someone. The next day you miss them. The next month you have that epiphany that you think of them way too much in one day for them to be just another person you know. Then before you know it they are part of your inner circle and often are the only person you feel like you want to know on certain days. Just before you start giving them the last piece of chicken you realise their annoying habits committed by anyone else would have you cutting ties and ignoring calls  but with them its acceptable. its almost lovable. Be it 6 days, 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years from then it hits you that …”oooh I love him/her”.

Falling in love…. sneaking into our lives since Romeo and Juliet were silly enough to unwittingly play out a murder-suicide…

Why can’t we “stand in love?” Or say I “walked into love”? Falling in love conjures up this image of someone walking along, going about their everyday business and all of a sudden they unwittingly, blindly fall off a cliff into the ravine that is love or down a pothole that is love. How is that a positive thing?
Personally I’m keeping an eye out for any love type feelings not because its happening or bound to happen to me but just because I’m not sure what love is anymore. People’s interpretations of it have me second guessing what I thought to be love. I don’t remember what it looks or feels like and the next time it happens I want to try catch it and watch it, just so I know for myself.

Somebody said to me that the trick to falling in love is that you fall at the same pace as the other person and you make sure you both view love in the same way.  Or better yet understanding how the other person gives love. Some people will tell you “I love you”, others prefer to show you.There’s nothing worse than falling in love with someone who doesn’t see it the way you do.  The expectations you have of each other are mismatched and  soon miscommunication is the only communication you deal in.  Eventually it all falls apart because you might have thought Love was everlasting and he/she thought it was for the moment.

**sharing is caring**
My experience with love is probably why I have to re-assess what it means to me. It seems I’m perpetually in unrequited love mode. Its either I am loved and I do not love back or I love and I am not loved back.

Tell me your thoughts on love and if you have it figured out, please share. Yes Super…I know you have an answer to this, ready to say how women view love in some warped way…  lol.

Day 20: Frustrated with the dream

As I sit here on another cold Sunday night (I wish warmer weather would get here quicker), there’s a few things going through my mind. That’s not unusual (I’m an over thinker of note). The main thing that has me continuously searching for answers is how to make a website as successful as it should be according to the expectations I have for it. Not that it hasn’t been going well, it has but due to my closeness to the issue I’m blinded by my anxiousness for it to be a success all the way.  Like a typical African parent (because I view the site as a baby of sorts), I think its great that it got 70% but what about 80%?  90%? While we are here 100% is up for grabs too? As much as it is me having high expectations of an inanimate object, its also really underlying high expectations of self.

It is quite easy to get frustrated with your dream and this IS a part of my greater dream. I have expectations about how it should progress, perform and be received by others. Almost like my own child, I would want the great attributes to be shown and for people to either be completely in awe of those attributes or in love with them as much as I am. Just in case you think I don’t love the site, I must point out firmly that I love everything about Diasporan Darlings as if it were a tangible thing. I am proud of myself and Vimfromzim just for completing it from its brainchild beginnings during a hot summer and BBM chats  to now where it has its own twitter and facebook page, we continue to accrue a number of contacts and have featured some really cool people. Not only that, but some of our best writing has come out of us during a time where we had a “bloggers block”.

Regardless of how many nights of sleep you forfeit (I’m writing a blog post at 1.20am, it takes me at least an actual hour to fall asleep and then I have work), or the amount of time you put in, if you still have love for what you are doing then you need to continue doing it even though frustrations will arise. TRUST frustrations will come from everywhere and have you doubting your sanity, your tenacity and dedication to something you have put in work for. It’s a very good thing that I have like minded people to talk to when these moments happen but aside from that I am reminded that I am already equipped to deal with the same problems I feel I am baffled by sometimes. It’s nothing new, maybe new in its form but the lesson stays the same.

I’m reminded of  high school when I got my hair braided for the first time in single braids, back then my hair was long enough to plait without extensions so I hardly if ever got it braided. The school prom/dance was coming up and my mother had refused with the backing of my father to sponsor dress, shoes, transport etc for the night because they thought it was a frivolous expense and a useless event to attend. When I asked my mother where I was going to get money for the event, she replied ” ubucushi bulaslapukisha (hardship makes you alert), since you want to attend it so badly and its so important, you will find the money”. In an effort to cut down expenses I thought I would be clever and ask my mum for money to get my hair braided two weeks before the event because she would pay for thinking its just a random request for my upkeep.  The next day I went to school and a couple of girls wanted to have the same style by the same hairdresser. Now we all know that a white girl and a black girl getting their hair braided are not subjected to the same braiding price. Knowing this and seeing the potential money maker for me,  I called up my hairdresser after school and presented her with the following proposal: for every referral I would get 30%. She was charging $350 for each girl. There ended up being 8 girls wanting to get braided.

You do the math:

(30% of $350) x 8 = $840

Limo’s and prom dresses are not cheap people. At the time I was DYING to go to the dance with my friends it was my dream and the obstacle of finances was not going to stop me from attending. Fair enough I still had to convince my parents to let me go to a dance anyway but one hurdle at a time.

I guess the feel good Oprah message at the end of this post is that frustrations with your dream are inevitable as you strive to make it happen but it only means you have to work harder, hustle it, think outside the box and turn it around for you. I also think about how far my girl Funms has come from Lingerie quarterly sales events to online lingerie store and knowing the intricate details of how hard the journey has been in some parts, it bolsters my spirit and reminds me not to fret as much.

How about y’all is there a dream or dreams you are frustrated with and how do you handle it?

Day 19: General stuff

Congratulations to all the bloggers that completed the blogging challenge and to those still on it on their own time (like me) keep at it I say! Before certain twitter factions come here and accuse me of failing this task I have to say that I haven’t felt like I failed the task at all. I have blogged a lot more consistently than I was at the beginning of the task. I have discovered some new bloggers and rediscovered some old bloggers. I’ve also improved my writing. Who would have thunk it? Seriously though, before the challenge I was having a hard time coming up with things to randomly let alone consistently blog about and  although how often I blog leaves much to be desired, my idea mongering has flourished not only with this blog but with outside projects.

Its been a hectic week and its only WEDNESDAY. Hectic in the form of things coming left of field and not knowing how, where, why or when issues so small became issues so big. The issues I speak of aren’t even mine to deal with but due to my proximity to the people and the issues I’m caught right, smack, bang in the middle trying to crab walk to get out of the drama.

Meanwhile life has a filthy habit of just going on. Ticking right on by saying “Hey its August, its nearly Summer again and the end of the year…How you doin?”. I promised myself that the 1st week of August will be spent working my butt off in every area of my life for every one of my projects. No procrastinations just getting it done when it needed to be done, maybe even before the deadline. I’m happy so far that  I’ve done this well and I hope it will yield some results that prove that old adage about hard work and success.

In amongst the personal chaos though there is a glimmer of hope  every now and again. From friends who say or come up with some thoughtful ass shit in a nonchalant “I just woke up and thought you’d like me to change your day and make you happy with this good deed” to family who call and say “this too shall pass”. Lets not forget a special mention for texters that have you smiling something silly, can I have an encore for those text messages please? In fact  Jigga speak on it “He 2-ways her, so she writes back. Smiley faces after all of her phrases“. I’m just saying everybody needs to smile right? Before I go super mushy and totally veer off singing Beyonce’s 1+1 let me try and segue off of this in the next paragraph.

I don’t know about all of that “If I ain’t got nothing, I got you” business. Is one person ever completely enough to make you happy? Isn’t there some warning about solely depending on another person for your happiness? In any case the only algebra and mathematics I’ve been doing this week is sorting out my finances. I’m so grown *weeps* and there are days I wish I wasn’t I tell you. I should be grateful though, I’ve come leaps, jumps and bounds from the student days where eating peanut butter rice for 3 days out of 5 for breakfast, lunch and dinner (this was before pay day) was considered a staple meal. Now the world see’s me making more money and it throws grown ass bills at me. Have you ever wanted to hang on to your paycheck so badly that you seriously have those moments where you ask the following questions:

1. Heating in winter? What for? Do I not have a duvet, hoodie, socks, fleece pajamas’s, hot water bottle? and if things get desperate I’ll pull out my phone and scroll down to dial in some natural warmth! Save myself $200-300 dollars right there!

2. Car registration? Again, I wasn’t really planning on driving this month anyway. It’s getting warmer, its stopped snowing and only hails outside so I can so stroll to work. Plus there is a great transport system, I just have to wake up 2hrs earlier than usual so I arrive on time is all. Again $600 saved!

3. Water…you only think about keeping this because it has many uses, all of which compensate for the stuff that could potentially be cut out. If Im not having heating I need to warm up water to put in my water bottle and make myself a cuppa innit? – $200 not saved.

4. Food- that diet that I have been meaning to go on.  You don’t remember? The one where you only eat things that amount to less than $5 dollars.$100 a week saved!

5. Phone & internet- Google who? I know the answers I have questions to please. Plus who do I call anyway? Who calls me? There are still phone booths right? Internet, you say? Public libraries are free…very very free of all their computer, lovely broadband internet and HEATING. Saving myself $130.

So you ask those questions right? Just me? Alrighty then…. as you were. Happy Hump Day…lets try and get over the hurdle together.

Day 18: Heels, men and metaphors

I love heels. I love how they look standing alone. I love how they look on me. I love how finding the right shoe for the right price, colour, size and fit that shoe will be with you for years. You will take it to the shoe repair man when the bottom of the heels start looking shabby. You can’t let go of a good high heel and you often look after it well. You never lend it out nor do you give it away unless you are truly over it. If you lose a good pair of heels? You are devastated. I lost a pair of gorgeous black heels on a trip from Australia to England. Maybe it was the long flight, lack of sleep and general stress surrounding the trip but I like to believe I shed a tear for my lost pair of heels.

Men are a lot like heels. Correction, good men are like good heels. Everything I just described about why I love heels can be applied to why I love men. They are not really hard to find, you look for awhile, take your time (no impulse buying) and when you find the guy that fits you and won’t have you regretting trying him out after some time, he’s a keeper.

I have a theory that the way a woman buys her shoes is the way she chooses her men. I hate shopping. I really do. I’m not just saying this to endear myself to the men that read my blog, nope. The whole wandering around aimlessly looking at dresses, tops, jeans etc and trying them on is so tedious. Frustrating even. I can not shop successfully with my friends around me. They distract me, they give me their opinions and at the end of the day I’m grumpy. Their likes and my likes are not the same. I love my girls but I like what I like and other peoples opinions about what I should or shouldn’t like just gets annoying.

When it came to buying heels I hated the whole shopping experience with my friends. We had to confer and ask if the shoe looked right. In my head I was always thinking, I don’t like the shoe but I know this is your style and you wear it well. If I say I don’t like it you’ll look for another pair and we’ll be here FOREVERRRRR! I never understood why my opinion on a friends shoe style mattered. You like the shoe? Yes. It fits? Yes. Its comfortable. Yes. I don’t like it or love it. No to the shoe? How does that work? I noticed that with some friends that how they would choose their men. Do you like him? Yes. Are you compatible? Yes. Are you yourself and comfortable around him? Yes. Do I like him? Errr he’s not what I would have picked for you or not my favourite person but I can see how it works. What? You are putting him back on the shelf because I don’t like him? Le sigh.

When I was younger I was the same. I also loved shopping when I was younger. Now that Im older and know more about what I like and what suits me, I enjoy shopping alone. I also tend to find myself in a relationship when I’m alone and going through that phase where friends are scarce due to work, family and other commitments. Now when I buy heels I don’t impulse buy as much as I did in my early 20′s. In my late 20′s I’ve discovered that browsing goes a long way. I might spot what I like or think that I like but if I hold out on buying the heel there and then I discover things about it that I hadn’t noticed in the first flush of buyers lust at sight. I notice the heel doesn’t look too reliable. I realise it’s not really my style and what I thought was cute, quirky and stylish is hard to walk in, it clashes with everything in my wardrobe and I can’t imagine wearing it out anywhere to show it off.

Sometimes though if I leave the first shoe that I saw too long at the store it gets snatched up and  then I see someone else rocking the shoe. I think to myself I could rock it better, my feet were made for that shoe but then I tell myself to stop being silly because if that was the case when I tried it on the first time I should have got that feeling.

Is it a coincidence that the way I go shoe shopping now reflects the way I choose men that I like? Take the heel I like now . Some would call it old, I call it vintage. It’s not everyone’s style nor is it a shoe that every girl and their homie is trying to chase down BUT the ones who know heels if they came across this heel, they would KNOW this was a collector’s item. This heel is really comfortable. It fits just right. Its a sturdy shoe, reliable and doesn’t clash with my style but compliments it really well. I also think the heel is sexy yet really adorable. If I could I would wear it out…the soles of course. *Le sigh* I really like the heels but I don’t know if I can afford it… I can’t buy them with cash, although to go to where the heels are requires a travel allowance, once I get there and try them on I wonder, can I leave them behind or  can  I be brave enough to barter  the only thing that would be acceptable currency? I don’t even know if I have the right currency…. Heels, men and metaphors. It’s a problem ladies.

Day 17: Catch 22 of personal blogs

“If you reveal everything, bare every feeling, ask for understanding, you lose something crucial to your sense of yourself. You need to know things that others don’t know. It’s what no one knows about you that allows you to know yourself.”

— Don DeLillo

Being a personal blogger you tend to share things about yourself that you would normally not tell passing strangers in the street but in the land of the internet you think nothing of posting your past, personal issues, dating disasters, family shenanigans for the sake of discussing a particular topic. The more you share, not in a TMI way but in an “OMG I do that too” type of way you will find people read and comment frequently.

Whilst you are sharing with people you are also learning about yourself and also trying to understand why you and others like you do the things you do or think the way you do. It can go from the pretty boring and mundane to the pretty spectacular and life changing.

However the catch 22 of personal blogging is epitomized in the quote above. Sometimes as a personal blogger I feel I reveal too much about myself. If people really wanted to know what I was like, my blog is peppered with clues but coming across the quote I had to ask myself, “As a personal blogger where do I draw the line and say that’s too personal and still keep the integrity of my blog and my writing?”.

That is my catch 22. While I figure it out I guess I will ponder some more on the quote because it came at the right time. It came at a time when I have been feeling that not only on this blog but in relationship with certain people I am too open. I share too much. Not indiscriminately but definitely with those that I trust I share the most about myself, almost leaving nothing as a mystery.

I kind of feel that I agree that “It’s what no one knows about you that allows you to know yourself” and I always say “no one knows you better than you”.

If you have a personal blog, please share your thoughts in the comments section on the catch 22 conundrum for personal bloggers. If you don’t have a personal blog, please share your thoughts on why you don’t or wouldn’t have one.